Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Life with a cat in one tweet
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.