Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
それは草
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Happy Thanksgiving
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.