alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: