I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.