Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
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dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
me after eating Cheetos
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing