THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
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Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.