Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
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Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic