*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends