Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
💯😂
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
The prophecy is fulfilled
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded