[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
i love modern commerce
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Social distancing in Australia:
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone