Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.