[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
The Compass
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses