The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
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There’s no “u” in narcissist
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….