My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
You Might Also Like
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Okay me first
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.