One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.