People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E