[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Lmao
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
A French press is when you hug naked
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
me before I type out affect or effect
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
December birthdays be like…
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.