Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Growing out my freckles.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
🙁