Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu