Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS