Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
doing your own taxes
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.