Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
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Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”