Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
79.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.