i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
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CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.