Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
You Might Also Like
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.