America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream