crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
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Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?