The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.