[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.