My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat