“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.