Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
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[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
S M O L
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.