weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
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WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
(Jupiter –
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
never deleting this app.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”