The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
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guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.