“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
You Might Also Like
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
A choir of Spring onions
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!