The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
guys I’m going home
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.