FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
🙄😏😂🤣
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun