Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.