Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
is this a warning or an offer?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.