[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist