I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there