Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously