Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Sponch
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)