Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
You Might Also Like
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I missed you with all my darts