‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
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CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope