I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to