Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
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he’s doing your taxes
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Oh boy, $150,000!
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.