Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
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My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.