the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
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Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?