“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
#Caturday
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.